Greetings Lucky Golden Ticket Holders…
Since we increasingly find ourselves living in a near constant state of fear mongering, irrational, often comical opinions based on scant evidence, bewildering half-truths (at best) and outright and dangerous lies (at worst), confusing cult-of-personality worship, and childish behavior ultimately meant to harm and deceive, I, as someone who has never seriously considered joining an armed militia, have decided to artificially alter my appearance and mix factual tidbits regarding our family’s current reality with accompanying information that is blatantly false or at the very least misleading. Why? Just to give it a try, really, and because doing so, apparently, means you can say almost anything while a surprising chunk of the population stands around in freezing parking lots taking it all in, wearing silly hats, chanting dimwitted slogans, and hanging onto every pandering platitude or veiled threat while simultaneously glorifying God’s questionable selection of a ‘chosen one’ as displayed on homemade t-shirts and unusually large flags streaming from the backs of pickup trucks driven by disciples with an irrational hatred for Hungarian-born philanthropists, but a surprising amount of faith in prayer cloths and other curious talismans like the Blood of Jesus Anointing Oil as promoted on late night evangelical television.
Forever the activist for and firm believer in equality, Anna (24) will not be making the trip back home for the holidays this year because she’s being willfully held captive by Jack, a Lebanese member of the Black Lives Matter movement, and, per one of 332 emails you may have recently received, needs a good faith contribution of $1000/each to fix the back windshield on her Volvo that was recently shattered by a loud, albeit largely ineffective broadcast of Kenneth Copeland speaking in tongues to rid New Orleans of violent protestors hellbent on rioting and looting. Also surrounded by the love and company of her Corgi son Blu (Blu’s life matters) and grand madame cat daughter Cleo (whose life also matters even though she’s a cat), Anna’s entering her final semester of law school at Loyola, and with graduation on the horizon is presently interviewing for a job as a key member of Rudy Guliani’s crack legal team. As someone not averse to makeup and changing the color of her hair, Anna, should she get the position, feels there’s a real chance to be behind a lectern on live TV in the relative near term spewing literal and figurative shit from both her mouth and ears.
Refusing to be swayed, Emma (20) remains convinced that Corona Virus is an outright attack on the freedom to have a more normal college experience, as perpetrated by three Chinese guys from her dorm freshman year who were really good at table tennis but otherwise suspicious, especially when scripting what appeared to be algorithms aimed at government takeover on various whiteboards dotting the commons area of Abel Hall. Now a junior at University of Nebraska still majoring in Speech Language Pathology, at least according to her compromised emails and hard drive which have also likely suffered malicious attacks by foreign students from other shithole countries, she spends endless hours confined to her drab, communist block apartment on campus looking to exchange meat and coffee rations for a sturdy rancher who does not suffer from an irrational fear of having his guns taken by an oppressive, tyrannical government. Still, she continuously spouts conspiracy theories about societal shutdown as a libtard plot to keep her from earning money over the holiday break while all Kerry and I hope for is a cancellation of student debt under the next administration so we can finally realize our ultimate life goal of working with the My Pillow guy on the redesign of our upstairs bathroom, including a special Eucharist-like enclosure for bleach and other digestible, medically-beneficial disinfectants.
Despite Kerry and I repeatedly telling her that we prefer daughters who don’t live at home, Isabel (14) continues to thrive even though this so-called ‘thriving’ has been identified as a hoax by members of The Anti-Thriving Taskforce which mainly consists of friends she personally appointed. Yet with their loyalty now in serious question, she’s considering firing several of these individuals due to their questionable character, traitorous behavior and unforgiveable insubordination. At the same time, we keep urging her to invite this caravan of ‘bad mujeres’ over for outdoor social gatherings because we’ve discovered a loophole in the system which allows us to reap certain tax benefits and other meager financial rewards so long as she continues to identify them as friends as opposed to what they really are, fake friends. In a stunning (but not surprising) response to the cancellation of her entire freshman volleyball season at Central High School due to a pandemic she insists has a 99.897% recovery rate while simultaneously missing the main point as though looking for a lost item that’s right in front of her eyes, Isabel fought hard to receive enough electoral votes to once again be on Southwest Iowa’s top ‘15s’ team for the upcoming club season. Though widely accused of stealing this spot from girls who were more popular, in better shape, had biglier IQs and knew more about volleyball than almost anyone, including the coaches, we’ve had some fun with this by launching a ‘Stop the Steal’ campaign whereby Kerry and I regularly raid Isabel’s room with pitchforks in hand, demanding she return all the bags of chips she’s absconded with to their rightful place in the kitchen for everyone to enjoy.
Never tired of winning, one of Kerry’s most notable political victories this year came in the form of a much-needed landscaping reinvention of our front yard. Selecting what appeared to be a qualified organization to help execute her detailed vision, we were surprised when a banquet crew showed up on the first day of work wearing black pants and shiny gold vests with matching bowties, offering cucumber-infused water and serving room temperature Chicken Kiev (damn Ukrainians) paired with wilted asparagus and undercooked wild rice. As it turns out, Dee-sign is also the name of a luxury hotel here in Omaha (DOH!). After signing an executive order banning these probable illegal immigrants from our property for attempting to steal jobs from more qualified American males, the stunning transformation was complete three days later thanks to the very hard and professional work of a team made up entirely of white women and Hispanic men. And even though she knew it likely meant being further branded as a member of the violent liberal mob (I mean she already owns Birkenstocks), Kerry boldly forged ahead in realizing her lifelong dream of owning (cue Johnny Olson) ‘…a brand new Jeep Wrangler’. When she looked at me in utter disgust after saying I fantasized her driving with the tops off topless, I backtracked, quickly indicating this was mere locker room talk. She did not believe me, ordering that I be sequestered to a closet in our garage for 14 days or until I could be safely reunited with my family. As I write, I’m still living confined to this space.
Beyond understanding whether an artificial change of color would further embolden my sinister appearance and lifelong passion and acumen for bending the truth, there was a certain strategy in my choice of orange skin and green hair. Specifically, this involves a longstanding pipe dream to start an Oompa Loompa escort service from the basement of a suburban pizza joint, with me at the helm, where in addition to their choice of Oompa Loompa patrons would also receive a bag of Cheetos as a scapegoat to help stave off suspicion once curious spouses started inquiring as to why their husbands’ fingertips had suddenly assumed the same hue and texture as mini carrots dusted with powered Tang. In more relevant professional news, Steve just celebrated 14 years at Siemens which has been reported as fraudulent by his 7th grade history teacher who often emphatically stated that he’d never amount to anything (so yes…in case you’re wondering, words do matter!). To honor the longstanding communist tradition of shared meals, we also hosted a record number of socially-distanced dinner parties this year, providing free Thai food and cold beer for the masses which I believe to be a sign that God has chosen me to tend to the nourishment and debauchery of his perplexing flock.
We were going to end this year’s letter by saying Merry Christmas, but as white people with scant religious beliefs felt relentlessly pressured by an outspoken group of diminutive yet radical Zoroastrians to indoctrinate you and your impressionable youth on the normalcy of funeral pyres versus the good old-fashioned rite of Christian burial. So instead, we wish you…
Happy Hornsnozzlers, Snozwangers, Vermicious Knids, and Whangdoodles (because ALL beasts from Loompaland matter).
- StAnKeIsMa (the off-brand Antifa)
thewritehoiberg 