Greetings Fellow Anti-Xmasers…
Like everyone, we’re incredibly concerned about the rampant spread of Xmas but remain steadfast in refusing to follow the brainwashing spewed forth from the lips of profiteering ‘experts’ behind the so-called ‘reason for the season’. I mean, a humble virgin being impregnated by a major deity while her carpenter husband just stood by and took it? Grab the hammers, nails, a couple of study beams, tiki torches, and bah humbug…bring on the commercialism!
Instead of following the advice and teachings of respected authorities on the topic, however, we’ve decided to place our faith in a headstrong, well-known spinner of yarns peppered with useless but devastating tidbits of trivia named Steve. Often referred to as a master of conjecture, we figure there’s a damn good chance this satirical, sexy satyr knows as much or more about the pesky virus than any biblical scholar or member of the clergy namely because he wears glasses tinted for night driving, turquoise jewelry, dashikis, bellbottom Wranglers, and furry boots made from the pelts of rodents. And let’s be honest…the Rasputin-like beard and meandering flock of wavy hair don’t hurt.
One reason we have such a hard time reacting more rationally to Xmas is because we don’t know what’s in communion wafers. Or in the wine, ESPECIALLY after both have gone through the process of transubstantiation. Is the eucharist really just a magical microwave? According to Steve, this is entirely possible because both have front doors and can desirably transform things. In the New Year, in fact, he looks forward to sneaking into Catholic churches around the Midwest to clandestinely experiment with Jack’s frozen pizzas, ultimately providing the faithful with a more fulfilling culinary, and therefore spiritual experience. And speaking of Jack, Anna (25) and her partner of this same name evacuated back to Omaha from New Orleans after Hurricane Ida with their two dogs and cat in tow. After much heartfelt debate about whether or not to return, they ultimately decided to stay in town where Anna is putting her law degree from Loyola to work as a contracts lawyer for the University of Nebraska Medical Center’s Sponsored Programs Administration.
Despite the fact that a herd (or flock) mentality may ultimately be in the public’s best interest, another problem we have with the proliferation of Xmas is the way in which children are force fed highly questionable doctrine in exchange for expensive gifts delivered by a portly saint with an obvious drinking problem, hence simultaneously promoting the unsavory acts of corporate greed, gluttony, and drunk driving. Back to the herd / flock and implied sentiments regarding compulsory consumption and reindeer for a moment, Steve has often provided thought provoking commentary as to why the livestock next to the manger did not eat the warm hay or nibble at the baby Jesus, rendering Him either frostbitten or incomplete. Distraction and / or simple good behavior via Joseph’s nimbleness with a tempting bucket of oats and gentle way with direct but simple commands are both plausible explanations. Having turned 21 in June, Emma maintains a healthy suspicion of farm animals while legally enjoying the blood. Now a senior at the University of Nebraska majoring in communication disorders and still working in the basketball office, she’s forced to regularly interact with large men in red suits while driving a ‘sleigh’ for Group Therapy propelled by festive music, booze, and eight magic drunk people, sometimes with antlers (i.e. weird ears or hats), and glowing red noses.
The increasing variants of Xmas and its associated traditions and celebrations are also troubling and hard to stomach for those of us trying to sequester its advance. In Greece, for example, evil Xmas goblins called Kallikantzaroi (Kappa variant) regularly appear to do harm to good people from 12/25-1/6 (an oddly specific period), emerging from a tree that connects us to the underworld, while families hang an onion-like bulb or Skeletoura (Sigma variant) on the front door that supposedly brings longevity, health, and good luck to every person in the house. Based on Steve’s one trip to Greece back in 1988, subsequent internet research, and undying love of the Greek Island restaurant despite the fact they often forget to include the incredibly important tzatziki sauce in takeout orders, he speculates while sipping sacramental Ouzo that the expanding goblin population may either be a really short, aggressive band of gypsies demanding handouts or the result of gyro meat overconsumption, and that the onion ornament symbolizes one of the prevailing symptoms of eating Greek food: Beta Beta (bad breath). Having just had her wisdom teeth removed, Isabel is also currently experiencing Beta Beta, yet conversely her wisdom has only seemed to increase as evidenced in a recent proclamation: “Now that I’m 15 and got my learners permit after 11 months of the year, I’ve matured to where I’m aware of what’s going on around me” (like father, like daughter). She also continues to thrive on the volleyball court where she played varsity during the school season and was just selected for the top team in her age division for the Southwest Iowa club.
Had the baby Jesus taken on a purplish hue with nothing to warm Him or was missing a few digits or limbs based the presence of hungry critters as previously described, acceptable modern outdoor Xmas décor would be much more grotesque, and therefore, realistic. In Steve’s view, this could make for a highly compelling societal conundrum and exodus from the rigors and expectations of Xmas whereby those in otherwise festive moods with a strong bent towards increasing their energy bills would have to contend with choosing to adorn front yards in brightly lit, chaotic manger scenes complete with deranged, bloodied hoofstock, two very confused looking parents, three wiseasses who had ‘burned’ all the frankincense and myrrh before arriving, and a diminutive amputee who could still perform miracles. Kerry, now working as a Salsify digital shelf consultant for several microbreweries across the US, got close to creating such a diorama this year by purchasing a full nativity set at a local thrift store for $35 (SCORE!) that included a bizarre earless lamb and Mary with a prolapse lightbulb.
As for Steve, it should be obvious by this point in the letter that he’s been far too busy proselytizing against the hoax of the Xmas pandemic to be bothered with more menial tasks, but in true evangelizing fashion would like to end by proposing a deal: How about if you consider getting the Covid vaccine as based on the advice of people who know more the science behind it than you, we’ll consider eating communion wafers?
Merry Christmas (look…I said it) & Happy New Year!
- Steve and His Followers
thewritehoiberg 